loss

I am feeling at a loss right now. The ground is shifting, slowly sliding, and my feet can’t quite figure out how to get the solid foundation back under them.

Change is hard. Good changes, bad changes, positive changes, negative changes, every-which-way kind of changes.

There is a learning curve. A transition. A door closing and another opening.

Losing my shadow and sweetest friend, T, after fifteen years of faithful companionship has been hard. Unimaginably hard. The kind of emptiness that sits in the bottom of my gut like a cold stone. The sadness of losing what was comes in waves with the predictability of the tides but the unexpected uncertainty of its arrival or timing.

Counting down the days until a dear friend moves across the country and we begin that tenuous and uphill battle to maintain a long distance friendship. A true and valiant supporter of Pepper and all her idiosyncrasies. A calming presence. A fun, ready for adventure spirit. And, a first stop for anything and everything parenting and kiddo related as she tapped into her vast knowledge, both expertise and real-life lessons learned, of child development. I am not ready to say good-bye.

With each season my children grow older and change in new and wonderful ways. I have become accustomed to ensuring that I honor and embrace the shifts as we morph from one stage to another. I have got it figured out with my own children. But, for the little boy I have given every “hump” day to for over two years, it is a different good-bye. Preschool is beckoning Little E this fall and we will lose our buddy. No more swapping and adding carseats every Tuesday evening. No more repeated observations of every wheeled vehicle that passes us on errands. Just back to us girls.

Little E is a barometer.

A realization that changes happen and despite the daily doldrum of life moving one minute, one hour, one day a time, we are all getting older. We are all changing.

I feel like at this point I am losing more than I am gaining. I know it is just the ebb and the flow. The bottom of the sine wave. Each of these doors will shift the room and move it in unexpected and, eventually, welcome ways.

But, damn, if change is not hard.

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